I had my coaching session today for my Emotional Intelligence class. It was uncomfortable and awkward. I don't like talking about myself. But, the whole experience left me feeling down in the dumps, depressed, unaccomplished, and unfulfilled in life. Am I where I'm supposed to be?
I wonder if talking about emotional stuff actually makes you more emotional. I, being one who prefers to bottle things up, never feel like this really helps. Actually, in the course's section on regulating emotions, it suggests that we use less intense words, like frustrated rather than angry when we are upset, mildly anxious rather than terrified when we are nervous; if we think it we follow. And, we can reduce emotional outbursts by arguing with our limbic system. That's not really how I feel/what is going on & things are okay. It reminds me of what Morgan Freeman said about not talking about racism all the time and it will stop being a huge problem in society.
I feel like, in days of yore, people were tougher, didn't talk about how they felt all the time. Life was tough and they survived. Are we soft? Is all this touchy feely crap making us week? Many (many) experts say it makes us stronger. I have almost never had a fit of rage at work because I bottled up my emotions. I don't wear my emotions on my sleeve. And, I question the value of this feely approach, as I question so very many things. I want to be strong, have my shit together, and be the rock that others can depend on.
Moreover, I feel week because of it. It this helpful? I don't feel strong, or in control, or useful when I start to explore this stuff. As Dennis Leary said, "Life sucks. Wear a helmet." I know I'm not doing what I wanted, and also that that particular boat has sailed. I never served, never a soldier, never a sailor, never a police officer. I never even found a profession where I helped people. I never was called to any particular ministry by God either.
I feel supremely underappreciated and undervalued in my current role, unnoticed like Mr. Burns never remembering Homer's name, never recognized or even thanked. Not only am I flying far below the radar, I never get any kind of positive feed back, or feedback in any form. I'm constantly micromanaged by numerous levels above and feel that accomplishing my vision for my department is an outlandish pipe dream, a farcical whim. I'm still performing the job of a specialist, not leaving me time to manage my team, and feel criticized for not managing.
So, in this deep dark well that I have sunken into tonight, I will turn to the LORD for help, as I always hate to do; I never want to turn to Him *because* I am in need, but to chose Him because it is right and my duty in times when I don't *need* to do so, free choice.
Correction on the lack of thanks: A General Manager has thanked me for organizing Compliance training for the team members, and an Assistant Manager for corporate has told me that I do a good job training. So, I do get parallel thanks, actually. It's the vertical recognition that feels absent.
ReplyDeleteI would also like to point out that regardless how I feel--which is very real--at the moment, the company which I work for (and have identified in the past in my blog) has treated me very well and allowed me to grow. I feel that, at this point, I should also state the following:
ReplyDeleteThe views expressed on here in my blog are my own and do not necessarily reflect the views of my employer.