Blues

Saturday I was pretty down in the dumps.  I planned to blog about it.  Had I done so then, this would have been a very dark(er) post.  It wasn't just post cruise blues.  And, don't get me wrong; I am very grateful for being so blessed as to be able to go on a cruise.  However, I also had lots of time to reflect on life and family.  My wasted youth is a great regret.  I did very little constructive or fruitful, and lament the fact that I did not serve, always a nagging voice in the back of my head.  Finding out that my daughter is again talking to her looser high school drug dealing pedophile boyfriend, a sure way to depress me and send me into a tail spin, which it did, may have started it all off.  The cruise seemed short and I couldn't get work out of my head.  The return to my McJob loomed over my head like a a dark cloud...of heavy lead, how I yearn to be able to make a difference.  Or, for my job to not define who I am, failing that, I'd settle for being able to contribute or help others.  Add to that the stress of production demands coupled with resolving conflict and administrative tasks and I'm in for another hard slog in 2017 with little up side.  The goal of making a difference for my subordinates is a distant dream that I don't feel I can accomplish (nor will I be rewarded for); maybe I've lost my perspective too, but it doesn't motivate me as it first did and doesn't give me the raison d'etre that I need, even if it was a shadow of making a difference in the beginning.  I need a change if not something fulfilling.  Also, I need to be more apart from the world.  I am becoming more and more dragged into the worries and cares of the world.  I'm becoming more polarized, more political, more cynical, more sarcastic; the well is being poisoned.