So This Upset Me

As someone who was traumatized as a child, I have anger for what happened.  I want to blame specific people.  As an adult looking back, I can reason and I understand that it is nobody's fault (not my parants).  As a parant who failed, it has caused me much more mental anguish and I reason that you can't protect your children because they push back and rebel.  You try to insulate them in a bubble and they want to be free.  "They have to make their own mistakes."  And, sometime--as parents--we just never know some dangers.  Reasoning has never made the pain any less, neither for the childhood trauma, nor for failing as a parent.

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At What Point Do We Become a Threat to Extra Terestrials?

All of these Eco Activists are crying over my four cylinder Jeep.  meanwhile, we have enough nuclear weapons to destroy all life on Earth 7 times over.  And, there's enough antimatter in Switzerland to destroy our solar system!

Why There is a Rift Between My Parish and I

It isn't just that the national Church has it's left turn signal stick on:  The Church is pushing ideas that I don't agree with or support, including abortion, civil disarmament, environmentalism (which I see as bringing Gaia into the temple of God (Abomination of Desolation? ), or as C.S. Lewis spoke about, using Christianity as a means to an end); afirmative action, socialism, social engineering, feminism, the doctrines of white privilage, toxic masculinity, and colour blind racism, exegesis and the reinterpretation of traditional meanings of scripture, pluralism, segregation, cultural censorship, antisemitism, justified (in their way of reasoning) discrimination, C.S. Lewis' Historical Jesus, and I could go on and on and on.  I can't donate and pay to support these things.  I believe that it was Thomas Jefferson (or Mills) who said that it was tyrannical to ask someone to pay to support things they opposed.  I donate almost all of my Church money to the Building Fund (temple).

It isn't just that they have become intolerant to traditionalists and conservatives:  They preach tolerance and they love the phrases big tent and draw the circle wider; They include those who were traditionally shunned and excluded by the Church and feel they have "fixed" the Church, all the while being willfully blind to the absolute dictatorial oppression of diversity of thought and opinion.  I realize that I'm behind enemy lines.  Sometimes I think that God keeps me here as a witness.  I can't imagine that I do ANY good.

It isn't just the snotty people and the clicks:  They exist; They exist everywhere;  We have a Power Block that laments the involvement of members in the business of the Church publicly, while privately they plot and manipulate to consolidate power and offer no opportunity outside of the ample menial tasks.

It's also the wounds that will not heal.  I will explain.  

Many years ago now, I was very much involved in the work of the Church.  I was on the Diocese of Huron's Anglican Fellowship of Prayer's board of directors.  I was on my parish's board of directors  (Parish Council); they're a dime a dozen with as many as 25 members.  I created the parish web page and Facebook page.  I volunteered at the parish's food bank and separate entity hosted soup kitchen.   I maintained the Parish Web page, YouTube channel, Facebook page, and Flickr account.  I spent hours every Sunday after Church on YouTube alone.  That was my ministry.  For my involvement in the food bank, I received the Bishop's Award for excellence in Ministry.  From my Parish leadership (only priests excluded), I receive nothing but complaints, criticism, and occasional scorn. 

I told myself that I wasn't doing it for thanks.  Although, I realize of course that it is a psychological need.  But, after the event, I chose to walk away from my ministries...all of them.  During the very ceremony of gratitude for my ministries to the Church (led by our priest), our Decon publicly berated me for their inadequacy.  It was a knife in the ribs.  And, it will not heal.  I have forgiven, but the pain of betrayal is fresh in my mind.

The event, you may ask what the event to which I refer may be.  I will endeavor to keep it somewhat short.  During my active  ministries, I attended a Vestry meeting  (annual general meeting).  This meeting included the election of parish officers.  Normally, there are four wardens in the parish.  Two are appointed by the priest and two are elected by the Vestry.  Wardens share power in the parish with the priest.  The priest has power over/responsibility for all matters of worship.  The wardens have power over/responsibility for parish assets.  As the Vestry meeting came to a close, there was a vacancy remaining in the office of Deputy Warden; Rector's or People's I can no longer recall.  Not one person at Vestry stood for nomination or volunteered.  After Vestry,  I approached the Priest and offered to serve as Deputy Warden and fill the gap or vacant office.  He thanked me and said he would discuss it with leadership.  

I was contacted some time later and informed that they were going to ask somebody else to fill the office.  It was a knife in the back.  It has not heeled.  I strongly believe the fact that I don't think the same way they do strongly influenced their decision, probably due to my extremely vocal social media activity.   The priest offered me the conciliatory position of Altar Server.   It was clear to me from that point on that, to leadership, I was only good for grunt work and as a source of revenue. 

The rift goes deep and I have lost all trust.  My faith, I'm sure, suffers for it.  I try to be a light on my own.  My wife and I still attend our parish in the winter months sporadically.  My givings are down too (I can not support that) and I no longer even try to tith properly.  God forgive me.  

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Begin At The Beginning

So, I had a new thought today.  Or, it was given to me.  Dad always says that when Grandpa said that it came to him, Grandma would reply, "Came to you?  You mean you took a notion in your head."  But, I digress.  My new thought,  which very well may have been given to me, is that it may not be ritualism itself that is bad.

It's a new season, a new beginning.  Today is the first day of Advent, a time of renewal and of preperation.  As we begin the season of Advent, this morning's reading is from the first chapter of Isaiah.  I was surprised that, unlike my evangelical friend's view that ritual is bad, Isaiah seems to be saying that sin is what defiles the rite and makes it displeasing to God.  Hhm, not maybe the practices and motions we go through, God hates our evil.  Interesting...

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Return on Investment

Love of middle age,

Friendship of adult child,

Worth all grief and pain.

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:(

I am often told by those I know that I obsess about things.  But, that is what I do.  I am still deeply saddened by my daughter loosing her first dog that she loved so much.  The image of her sitting outside the veterinary college waiting room, cradling that dashound like a child, incapacitated with sorrow, weeping unabashedly (nothing else mattered in that moment), is a mental image that still greaves me and at the time was painful and a herculean task to have to witness and be part of.

Everybody prayed for the dog to have some virus or something that would pass with treatment.   I, being a pessimist, assumed the worst would be that they would recommend expensive surgery that would cost $6000+ and that Chandra would incur massive debt.  Nobody expected that they would say that the dog couldn't be cured nor treated and must be put down immediately.  Chandra was so close to the little animal and was already struggling with hard times.  It seemed so unfair and was so heartwrenching.  She, like I, am still sad...except more so. 

@wramier: �� https://twitter.com/wramier/status/1166198241395957766/photo/1  Shared via TweetCaster

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Strange Dream Again

I had a dream that there were three shooters at work; we had an active shooter situation.  Let me start at the beginning.  I awoke in the hospital from a coma and I was in bad shape.  I had been found face down on the concrete with my tongue out on the concrete.  Why was that an important thing?  I also had amnesia and couldn't remember the last several weeks or more.  I remember asking the psychologist questions upon hearing that there was an active shooter.  I remember asking if people died and the answer was yes.  I remember asking sheepishly if I killed anybody, and the psychologist reluctantly responded with a yes, probably not wanting to cause me stress.  I later discovered that there were almost 50 people killed.  As it turned out, much of the blame was laid at my feet as I fought back.  Many felt that I provoked the shooters.  After much investigation, I learned that I neutralized the first shooter, took his AK-47 and fired into the air at the base of the front outside stairwell to get any other shooters to surrender.  Note:  My work does not have at outside front stairwell.  It alerted the other two shooters to my position.  I guess the second shooter and I must have shot each other.  As the third shooter rampaged, he passed me by as I was face down with my tongue on the concrete.  Scores of friends and coworkers had been killed.  Here's where the dream took a weird twist.  I went back in time, I guess in my own body a la Quantum Leap with Scott Bacula.  (Because, there weren't two of me).  I decided to right my wrong.  This time, I fired no warning shots.  After I neutralized the first shooter and took his AK, I first shot and killed the second shooter, then the third.  No hostages were killed.  Okay Freudian deal analysis people, what's going on? 

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