Chip

I've probably already condemned myself in the eyes of every liberal and progressive out there, but an idea or thought that I had the other day deserves posting (even just for the sake of being honest).

I had a sort of epiphany, not to do with faith; I realized that I have a chip on my shoulder. I was at a Bible study at Church last week. The conversation turned down the women's rights/inclusion ideology path. I think it was person's day. There was mention that we should refer to God as mother (something that bothers me and makes me uncomfortable as I'm a bit of a literalist) more etc.... So, here it comes. Ready? I am so sick and tired of hearing how men kept/keep women down. When ever I hear it, it makes me resentful and angry. I want to lash out and strike back. These feelings are strong. I didn't do anything. I always promoted equality.

And, I understand where they are rooted; it's a feeling I have developed over time due to life experiences, such as dealing with people like my high school math teacher and also from missed opportunities because of affirmative action programs. I'll explain both a little in the following two paragraphs to give you a better view into my head.

I remember getting into an argument with a math teacher in high school, a teacher who later failed me with a grade of 49% I believe. God forgive me, but that lady was nasty. We got into a conversation one day about affirmative action programs (what does that have to do with math?) in our math class. I said, "But that's wrong!" She lamented how hard it had been for her to get a job as a high school teacher being a woman. She said something like, "Do you know how hard I had to fight?" My budding liberal mind (yes, yes, I was a liberal--green to boot) was horrified. How could anybody defend treating certain groups of people different? My view of modern Canadian society equality was shattered. She believed men should be denied the jobs...at least until there was a balance, maybe longer. Society seemed to practice this; even in college it seemed like my instructors were all either old gray haired men or young women. I sometimes thought that we shouldn't put our names or age on resumes, just a number and qualifications. That's all they should be looking at anyway.

I have also had missed opportunities due to affirmative action programs, and it hurts. Even in college (which is where I suspect conservatism really took root), I watched as women were given two extra minutes for the OPC test timed mile and a half run. I always had a very hard time with the run, even when I was in shape. I remember thinking, "If they are saying that I have to be in at least this physical condition to be competent in the position, why do they have a lower standard? Are they not good police officers then?" Now, I said it at the time (I worked with women in the security field), and I'll say it again: Women are every bit as capable of doing the job as men. But, I could have used those two extra minutes man! If the job can be done by an officer who runs a 14 minute mile and a half, give me the extra time! I was actually turned away from the Toronto Police Service (after passing all the tests and doing all the paperwork) because of an affirmative action program. I swear to God. I still can't believe the officer said it to my face. Part of me now wonders if the officer in question was trying to incite me to file a complaint. But, I was not a boat rocker; I turned around and walked away. From the time I was a little boy, I knew I was going to be a police officer or a soldier.

Yeah, I'm angry. I'm p1$$ed. I have that chip there. I know it's there. Now, I have to try to act Christian and keep my friggen mouth shut. Ahhhh!

I even thought about getting my band card to gain employment as a minority; I thought, "No, I want to earn it." I was such a naive idiot! Now, my daughter, who I love dearly, has been told by me to fight for equality. Want some irony? I've also told her that there was a time when I would have told her not to use the fact that she was a woman to gain a position. But, I have told her, "Use what ever advantage you can and anything in your favor; don't even think about it."