Death Rattle

Today, I grieve.  It is not quite a year that Dad has been gone.  Some days the feeling of loss is greater.

 

Also, in the last few days, I’ve been giving a fair bit of thought to death.  I’ve seen death more than once, and it is most unpleasant.  I’ve been present when many (> half a dozen, so it’s relative) have breathed their last.

 

If they are family, it is hard and confusing.  I remember Dad’s labored breathing.  The pauses.  The pain and the struggle to even breath.  He would stop, and I would wonder, “Oh my God, it this it?  Right now,” only to have him take another breath.

 

I remember feeling emotionally tired, and part of me wanting the suffering to be over.  But, who’s suffering?  Mine or his (his physical suffering or my emotional), and then the burden of that guilt?  “Oh my God, what kind of monster am I?”  I remember the dawning of the surreal realization of the finality of it all.  There would be no laughing about it later, about how “this was really a close one this time”.  This was it.  The guilt of time wasted, of hurts rendered.  The body broken.  The pity, for what we all must ironically become.

The Road to Hell...

Thinking of all the times that fear of racism, or active political correctness has been harmful, I've counted numerous instances personally.  Speaking as somebody who has put their dreams on hold due to hiring quotas, I can honestly say that I prefer equality to leftist's equity. Treating people differently, no matter how you justify--how virtuous--it, is wrong and creates resentment and inequity.  It didn't work in South Africa or Nazi Germany, and it won't work here.

Here are some examples of when I have personally observed being overly fearfully vigilant doing more harm:

• Out for a run, I would cross the street if a White person was on the same side so that they weren't exposed--potentially--to COVID.  If they were Black or a Person of Colour, I would refrain from crossing so as to not expose them to Inherent Bias.  I didn't want them to perceive racism.

• At Wrigley Stadium, when I didn't report the Algerian man who left the unattended bag to security because I didn't want to fall victim to racist prejudicial stereotypical thinking.  I asked myself that day, "Do I want to die today because I don't want to be racist?"

• On a walk around the river, greeting every Person of Colour so as to not make them feel I am being racist (ignoring them) while leaving White people walk undisturbed, while not harmful in this instance, it is treating people differently and it is wrong.

Is it as simple as we're over thinking it?  Why can't we just treat everyone the same?

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Does it matter who puts out the fire?

I advocate that everybody should have a working fire extinguisher in their home and know how to use it.  You may go your whole life and never have to use an extinguisher.  However, a fire can become out of control in as little as five (5) minutes.  It the time that it takes the fire department to arrive, irreparable damage can be done to your home.  At that point, no doctor—no matter how skilled—can bring them back to life.

Enemy of The State

When we're having the age old debate regarding state's rights verses individual rights--or the state vs individual liberties--it is clear that the courts must always err on the side or the individual. 

Who needs protecting from whom?  Who is the more powerful?  The state or Jane Citizen?  Who is most likely to be victimized?

Many abuses can be justified with Utilitarian ethics, doing the most good for the greatest number.

The argument may sometimes be made that the state is justified in taking whatever action it needs to take in order to protect the state.  That way, the state--a bastion of freedom in an otherwise totalitarian world--will ensure its survival, thereby doing the greatest good for the most people by virtue of its perpetuation.  But at what cost?

If the state oppresses the citizens it professes to aid in order to protect the state, in order that the state is supreme or paramount, then has not freedom disappeared from the world including from the state?  Is the cure worse than the disease?

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Lost A Step

My wife pointed out that my hand was shaking at breakfast.  I said that, "it's been shaking for years.  I just hide it."  

47 is the year I got old.  I've become aware of a noticeable decline in my short range vision.  I can't read my phone text without great difficulty a foot from my face.  I limp, almost perpetually from jogging.  I don't heal like I once did.  If I play a game of ball, I used to be sore the next day.  Now, I'm recovering for a week.

This year, I have an injury that won't heal from softball last Summer.  After I run, I limp.  I have noticed a loss of muscle mass in my quads.  I'm always tired.  I go to bed at 9 p.m.  I'm tired!  My vision is starting to suck.  I ache all over from working out.  It wakes me at night.  I get up two and three times a night to pee.

I haven't noticed a loss of reflexes, but that doesn't mean it hasn't happened.  Actually, I fear reflexive action, as a sudden violent vigorous exertion of energy could leave my back/shoulders/hips and legs in pain for hours.

And, I'm planning on fighting it every step of the way.  I am not giving up.

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