WARNING: Strong Language and Content

I was reminded of something a good friend of mine, DA, said when I watched some YouTube videos recently. He said something like, "If you believe in God intellectually and not spiritually, you will loose your faith." It is fleeting if it is not well grounded; it will not last. At the time it was said, I took it as an insult and a personal attack. One of the saddest things, I think, is to watch somebody loose their faith. It is truly sad for me, and almost moves me to tears. I watched one of my own family members evolve to this understanding and never fully understand what motivates Atheists to destroy a person's faith.

Recently, I revisited some anti Atheist videos that I loved, posted by JB, only to discover he was now an atheist. It was a sad and disturbing revelation. However, he had left the original videos on apologetics up. I became intrigued with the how. How did it happen? I watched more of his videos. I watched how he rationalized his conversion to Catholicism. I watched his video on how he rejected Christianity. There seemed to be common reoccurring themes. He is a very intelligent man and a rock solid debater. Logic is important to him. The loss is ours. I would never want to go toe to toe with him; that is for sure. He seems to have rebelled and have a rebellious nature, first against his parents/upbringing in joining the Catholic Church, then against the Catholic Church. He is right in that he is very open minded. He is perhaps the epitome of great critical thinking. But, is that perhaps what is most important to him, critical thinking and debate?

As I struggle with my own faith and the Church, I have asked a lot of questions, soul searched, and still find questions and uncertainty. In the end, at this point, I have found that I believe in God because I want to believe. (Is that enough?) I have never experienced what I call the Road to Damascus Experience, although I have seen glimpses. I can see the hand of God in my life at points, but don't know why. The Church has drifted so fucking far to the left that it has all but pushed me out; I do not buy into the bullshit inclusion/tolerance that has caused both watered down Christianity and intolerance of conservatives. (Note to the reader: Do not misunderstand my intentions.) Paradoxically, I still think that the Church is a great vehicle—dare I say potential vehicle—for carrying forward the legacy I have been left, the seed, the coin I do not want to bury. So many of my people have forsaken their heritage and sought after strange gods in this pluralistic anything is good and everything is right age we live in. I still stand by my earlier statements about non Church going Christians being selfish. Now, I guess, I can identify with them. I too have also felt the pain of not having a legacy as I understand the sorrow of not having a heritage and the very real possibility of being the last generation of my people.

There's so much here, so much to unpack, and yet so much more to write. This is a long rant, and yet the tip of the ice burg, where I am, and perhaps the beginning of a journey.